Sacred Marriage: Marriage Bed Part One
- Jerry Witham
- Jun 25, 2009
- Series: Sacred
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We learned in the Spring that:
1. Marriage is God’s design and doing for His great display to reveal the new covenant relationship of Jesus and the church.
2. A truly blessed marriage must have the fear of God present, trusting in Jesus and realizing our great need for Him in all things.
3. Marriage is not about our comfort and happiness, but about our holiness. Marriage is a context for spiritual growth, gifted to us so that we would become more and more like Christ through this sacred union.
4. Marriage needs grace. Without it your marriage and home will stink. So we need the constant, patient, persevering, enduring, forbearing, forgiving, imitative, love and grace of God to fill our life, marriage and home so that there is a fragrant aroma. (We must learn to love the sinner, who is our spouse.)
Another important part of the one flesh relationship is sex.
Sex is important to God because He created it. For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities – all things have been created through Him and for Him (Colossians 1.16). In the Scripture the term all things is mentioned often. When talking about all things you must include sex. This is important to have a proper worldview of sex. According to Paul, sex is created by God and for God, meaning for God’s glory. Genesis 1.31 says, God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good. Sex was created by God and is very good because He is good. When Moses writes this we must not forget that God has created marriage as well in this creation context and that in Genesis 2.24-25 he is speaking of sex (one flesh) in the context of marriage. Therefore sex is created for marriage and this is very good to God. He created it for His glory. Paul says, Whatever, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10.31). So, the chief end of sex is the glory of God.
There is a problem when it comes to sex. That problem is sin. Paul says in Romans 3.23, For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. He says in Romans 5.12, Therefore, just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned. Through Adam mankind has inherited a sinful nature. We are sinners who sin.
The affects of sin and mankind’s depravity is widespread when it comes to sex. Here are a few affects:
- Sex has become a god (Exodus 20.4-5)
- We have moved sex out of the marriage bed into unholy ground
- We have the wrong goal for sex
- We have made sex as merely entertainment
- Sex at times is a struggle in marriage. In Genesis 3.16 God says To the woman, “I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth, in pain you will bring forth children; yet your desire will be for your husband. The word desire speaks of the desire of a beast to devour much like in Genesis 4.7. It can also mean an attempt to usurp or control. The woman’s desire for her husband will be full of anguish and struggle. She will have a tendency to dominate and the man will have the tendency to act like a tyrant. Due to sin marriage will have conflict because of the seeking to promote self. The battle of the sexes has begun here. As a result the marriage bed will become a battleground at times.
Instead of self-less the marriage bed becomes self-centered and selfish because of sin.
Jesus’ words are so fitting when it comes to marriage and especially sex. Jesus says, If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it (Luke 9.23-24). One who desires to have a relationship with Christ is to disregard his own interests. He must die to self that he might live and lose his life that he might save it for the sake of Christ. He is to lose his self that he might find himself. The cross is a death symbol, but it brings life as we follow the One who modeled humility on the cross. Lastly, Jesus calls us to follow Him to become His disciple, literally a learner. Let’s be honest, marriage and the marriage bed is not easy. We must be humble and learn from Christ. The words of the great missionary and martyr, Jim Elliot are fitting as well when he says, He is no fool, who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. I pray that we would be able to say such for our life, marriages and the marriage bed.
The apostle Paul’s inspired words about the marriage bed. 1 Corinthians was written by Paul to Christians who lived in a culture that had a low view of marriage and the sanctity of it. Divorce was rampant. Commentator William Barclay noted one historical document describing a lady who was getting married for the twenty-seventh time, and she was going to be the twenty- sixth wife of her husband-to-be! Many counted their years by their wives. Several factors contributed to the high divorce rate. Among them were: homosexuality, polygamy, use of concubines, and the women’s liberation movement (John MacArthur). There was confusion and chaos in the home and especially when it came to marriage and sexuality. So, new converts and Christians had questions about it and they were asking Paul.
In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul is addressing certain questions brought from Corinth to where he is. He encouraged the Christians in Corinth to stay single and celibate if they have the contentment to do such and the desire to stay pure. He did not want them to think they were spiritual just because of this though. Some thought that way because of what they were taught. Jewish leaders in this day were pushing the complete opposite. They taught that it was a sin to not marry, which Paul blows up by calling singleness a gift just as marriage is (1 Corinthians 7.7).
Paul then wants people to know that physical desire is normal, whether one is single or married. But one is to stay pure (1 Corinthians 7.2). When it comes to marriage, it is about holiness not one’s comfort or happiness. Paul seems to say, since marriage is about holiness a husband and wife should have sexual relations with each other. Paul emphasizes the word own wife and own husband because of the immorality and specifically polygamy present in the Corinth culture. Sex is specifically for you and your spouse nobody else. It is God’s special gift to you and your spouse. So, sex is sacred and holy.
In his book, Sex and Sanity, Stuart Babage says "From one point of view it may be spoken of as a safety valve for irresistible desire, but, for the Christian, it is infinitely more than that - a breathtaking experience (in Barth's words), `a bold and blessed intoxication'.... Intercourse is not only the appropriate means for the expression of love, it is also the means by which love itself is strengthened and sustained. Sexual intercourse is far more than a physical act" ([London: Hodder and Stoughton, 1965], p. 37). The marriage bed effects the whole of marriage - communication, intimacy, problem solving, teamwork, spiritual growth – every aspect of married life works better when a couple’s sex life is practiced according to God’s design (Tim Gardner).
Next, it is a divine given responsibility. Paul tells husbands and wives that they are to fulfill their duties to each other. The husband is to deliver on what he committed by oath to his wife and she must fulfill her obligation to her husband physically and sexually as well. So we see that it is a responsibility to give what we have. I love what Gary Thomas says in his book Sacred Marriage. I will summarize: God has given us one body whether we like that body or not. He has commanded our spouse to delight in that one body and that body alone. If we withhold from our spouse our body, it becomes an absolute denial. We may not think it is a perfect body, but it is the only body we have to give. This is not necessarily easy to give, but it is worthwhile to give. Even if you think that what you do have to give is not all that worthwhile to give, you give. We must learn such obedience step by step offering what we have with all its blemishes and limitations.
We are to offer not just our bodies, but our whole self. There are communication needs in a marriage. Both verbal (talking) and physical (touching). When it comes to the verbal side of things it is obvious that couples are not talking. The average married couple talks 27 minutes a week. Is this not mind blowing? I want to encourage you to shatter this! Do it today! Husbands, we are usually the ones at fault when it comes to this. It is important as spouses that we catch up on each other’s day, letting your spouse into your business of the day, listening to each other with interest. Don’t be lazy and passive in this area.
Then there is physical touch. First, men must remember the importance of non-sexual touching. Next, women must remember that if she is not pursuing her husband sexually, just about every other movement toward her husband goes unnoticed. Jill Renich writes, A wife may demonstrate her love in innumerable other ways, but it is often negated by her rejection or lack of enjoyment of sex. You may be a great housekeeper, a gourmet cook, a wonderful mother to your husband’s children, but if you turn him down consistently in the bedroom oftentimes those things will be negated. To a man sex is the most meaningful declaration of love and self-worth. What does all this mean for both spouses? We must surrender our own demands and at the same time strive to meet our spouse’s needs.
I pray that we would embrace God’s purpose for sex and live as self-denying, cross bearing, followers of Christ.
